My Objectification Letter

Dear Donny,

Unfortunately, the first time I saw you in the gym I was very triggered. Your massive frame included well shape pecs, arms and legs. Your flat stomach and presences projected the masculinity I felt lacking in myself. You wore a tank top. Your arms and legs were shaved and I could see your vascular definition and the success of all your hard work. I watched as you exercised with the cable-cross and bench press. I am sorry to say that at that point in time I was actively involved in getting massages from masculine men as well as giving them for sensual purposes. I would often walk away from the gym wondering and then fantasizing what it would be like to work on you or to receive a massage from you. I wanted to absorb your masculine energy.

You represented at the time a core faulty belief of mine that I am not good enough or masculine enough as a man. I recognize that this was my own shortcoming and have learned through group therapy what this represents for me. I recognize that I will never be your size even though I have put many hours in the gym without coming close to your results. It is my curse as a hard-gainer. I realize that I have no right to objectify you and I actually just want to thank you. You are a husband and a father and just another bud at the gym.

During one of my trigger events earlier this year, I actually walked up and spoke to you while you were doing a chest workout. It took a lot of energy and courage for me to step into that trigger. I felt a high level of anxiety as I approached you but tried to be cool. You were absolutely amazing. Instead of freaking out about my compliments and questions on your chest workout, you finished your set and spent thirty minutes with me to help me practice my own form and discuss nutrition. It was amazing how stepping into the trigger and humanizing you as an individual was so empowering. I felt connected and disarmed the emotions that I was feeling. I never felt trigger by you again but wanted to connect as a friend.

As I have run into you throughout this year, you have introduced me to your wife, complemented my own results and last Saturday slapped me on the back as you were walking by and I did not see you. You have no idea what that acknowledgment felt like to me emotionally. I have no longer objectified you and directed sexual energy towards you as a result of your unknown kindness. You have helped me realize that all guys in the gym are checking each other out and challenging each other to get bigger and stronger every day.

More importantly, you have helped me build a positive thought practice around how I have handled similar situations in the gym. Again, I deeply apologize and will no longer objectify you. I even invited you Saturday to go hiking to get to know you better as a friend.

Sincerely

Aidan

What Happens in Vegas?

Jason's Massage

What happens in Vegas never happened right?  After the sexual massage experience that I experienced with AJ, I was very vulnerable.  I had been meeting with Jason a few times in Vegas for deep tissue work, stretching and some sensual massage.  We were always naked and he did the massage on the hotel bed.  This is about as intimate of a massage as you can experience.  He is very talented at stretching and maneuvering the body on a bed.  He was a very masculine guy and I could feel his legs, arms and even penis brushing up against my body throughout the massage session.  I always scheduled a two hour sessions with him.  He was very personable and I felt very comfortable with him and the boundaries that I had set.  Each time we met he asked at the end of the massage if I wanted the standard “Happy Ending” or to be masturbated and I would reply no.  I would always ask though to cuddle up with him.

I honestly don’t know what happened during this particular session.  As we neared the end, I was in a complete state of relaxation and openness.  I had enjoyed his warmth, the stretching and the energy I always felt from his touch and modalities.  I lay there on the bed staring at the ceiling and completely exposed and vulnerable.  Jason then moved his naked body and straddled my face.  He then reaches down and starts to masturbate me.  I was stunned but the feeling was so incredible that I could not stop him.  I also had his testicles and penis brushing against my nose and lips.  I only had to open my mouth and his manhood would have slid comfortably into my mouth.  I refrained from sucking him but did let him push masturbate me to release.  When he was finished he basically stated that I needed that to even relax more.  I think it was his way of trying to control the situation since he was not used to being turned down by guys for masturbation.  He was probably more use to prostituting himself out fully for any variety of services and in my naivety at the time I did not know what I was exposing myself.  This was my second acting out experience with a massage therapist in a very short period of time.

I again remember feeling devastated at not being able to control the situation.  I also wanted to replicated the intimacy and massage experiences a few more times before I actually started to get this part of my addictive cycle under control.  I never saw him again after that.

Objectification (Lust)

I have written about my fantasies and the consequences of them on my life.  I now need to explore in depth the concept of Objectification as part of my healing journey.  According to Workbook 7 of the LifeSTAR Network Healing from Sexual Addictions, this concept is “also part of fantasy and can lead to acting-out behavior.  If a particular person is a trigger for your addiction it means you are using her or him as an object of your lust.  Part of letting go of objectifying this person will be to humanize him or her.  In other words, to see him or her as someone with human behaviors and feelings helps to reduce the lust.  you need to shift your thinking so that instead of seeing this person as a sex object you can see him or her as someone’s daughter, son, sister, brother, or mother, and someone who may not be interested in being objectified.  Another interesting point is that often addicts send everyone they see or meet through their mental sexual filter..”

I read through this concept definition and see evidence of it regularly in my life.  When I get on a plane, I am hoping to sit by masculine guys.  When I am meetings, I scan the room for athletic guys.  I am realizing that I have a pretty strong sexual filter that I run men through in my mind.  My awareness on this concept continues to be sharpened as I find myself looking at and comparing guys at the gym.  The gym is probably the place were I spent most of my objectification energy.  Even on some of the social applications, I find myself wanting to connect with one guy over another.  My assignment for this week is to pay attention to how active I am qualifying or disqualify people as objects of lust.  I have also realized that I have aligned this mental filter with the desire to masturbate.  There has been many times that I have been on facebook, yahoo, or other social media applications where I will be browsing the sites with one hand and massaging the penis with the other.  I want to break free of these practices and habits.  I will share examples of guys I have chatted with recently online that I have been running through my sexual filter.  As part of the assignment, I will need to pick one of the guys and write an objectification letter.  This letter is to humanize this person and reduce my feelings of lust.

How have others dealt with their lust and sexual filters?  Any tips on how I can better address?

Healthy Touch

This weekend I went out with the “guys”.  These are individuals who struggle with same sex attraction as well and I have worked with in group sessions.  We hit the movies, laughed and openly debriefed about our struggles and lives.  It is always great when you can just freely share and process emotions and shared challenges.  We ended up going over to one of the guy’s apartments to hang out.  One of the individuals asked to be held so I sat behind him and wrapped my arms around his chest and just pulled him tightly close to my body.  The warmth of his body close to mine was relaxing and I could feel a great deal of love for this individual.  We were complete dressed but I have done this in the past with shirts off and bare skin to bare skin which is very bonding and has been healing for me.

LDS Apostle Elder Oaks speaks on SSA

It has been my deep faith in the Atonement of Jesus Christ that continues to sustain me through this healing process.  I have not had the comfort of a loving Bishop or Stake President.  I do not feel supported by my local ward.  I am grateful that my testimony of truth and faith is vested in the doctrine of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and not the church culture and its short comings.  I feel and share the pain of the individual referenced in the video.

Letter to My Addictive Self

For years, I have seen myself as a puppet to my sexual desires and fantasies to be with men.  I had seven years of sexual experiences with my abuser and so I reach a point in my life where I equated love, recognition and connection with men through these sexual experiences.  When the abruptly ended, I was devastated.  To cope, I created my own world of fantasy and masturbation to compensate over the years.  This sexual energy grew until I felt enslaved by it and tried to live a dual life of sexual fantasy in the shadows and project a good christian image, faithful husband and father.  Do to my own insecurities and lack of positive self perception of masculinity I would lust after muscle and image all of the experimentation I could do to a solid set of pecs and thick nipples.  I would masterbate for hours day after day as various addictive cycles sprang into existence at different times in my life.  All the time trying to project, the image of a strong and obedient LDS male. I refused to believe that I was dealing with sexual addictive behaviors.  I was wrong.  I drew the attached image as a symbolic overview of my dual lives and addiction.  As part of my healing process I wrote and presented the following letter to my support group and will share it again her in hopes that it can benefit someone else.

Dear Addict,
How do I clearly articulate what an integral part of my life you have been for these so many years? You have provided me with comfort, escape and even pleasure.  You have been with me for most of my conscience life and were introduced to me at an early age by older cousins in early morning bedroom sessions or secret outdoor locations. These excursions were in secret.  The experiences transpired for so many years that I longed for them and mapped them in my mind as connection and being loved.  It became my understanding of male bonding.  When the regular physical experiences ended, I invited you to stay with me as memory and expanded into fantasy so that I could continue the feelings of love and intimacy.  I discovered that self exploration, pornography and fantasy could be powerful substitutes to comfort me during nights of emotional or physical abuse from a father who was critical, shaming, and did not show love.  You were there through the high school and college years when I felt aloof from friendships. You comforted me through the early years of marriage when I did not feel good enough for my spouse and the times I felt her rejection.

I attempted to live dual lives and justified my actions because I believed I could control you and not harm anyone.  I was a victim and this was a residual behavior from those early childhood years and God would just understand.  I did not need to tell anyone of the feelings or emotional longings that I was experiencing in quiet desperation. I did not need to share the pornographic events, chat rooms, web cams or even phone sex.  Unfortunately, the illusion of control finally erupted into poor choices and consequences that I never would have believed could have happened to me.  I tapped into a wound that was not healed and dropped my firm boundaries into partial space in a few experiences.  I rationalized and minimized these experiences as getting needs met and still not harming anyone.

There have been consequences for these actions.  I have beened shamed as I have shared with my spouse and church leaderships about choices.  I have had my church membership suspended.  I have lost the sacred trust of my spouse and eternal companion.  I experienced a lie detector test and caused my spouse to seek out her own medical testing for peace of mind.  YOU have been the cause of great pain and anger throughout my life.  At times, you have distracted me from building my own company impacting my business partner.  You have caused me to lash out at my wife and kids in moments of frustration and wanting to seek you out again as in times of old. You have made me feel that I have no control or will no longer achieve eternal progression. You whispered to me that I did not even have addictive behaviors.

As I have now come into the realization that I have been dealing with addition, I realize that I DO NOT NEED YOU ANYMORE.  You were just a vehicle to help me with the unhealed wounds in my life that I was to afraid to look into and share with others.  I realize that you have distorted my reality and understanding of what I really need from others in healthy and loving relationships.  I am going to address the needs that I have in positive ways and do not need you anymore.  I am in control and taking back my own reality and destiny.  I can not changed the past put I can navigate the future and influence its outcome.  I am authentic.  I am in the process of restoring faith in myself and the trust that my wife has in me.  I will be healed and make it through life’s journey as a better man, husband, father, and disciple of Christ.

I am in the process of healing finally after years of just wishing for it and trying to heal on my own in secret and shadow.  I now say goodby to our lengthy relationship and hello to a journey of authentic healing.

Prostate Massage

I woke up this morning with an erection after dreaming about my massage therapist. This guy is very masculine does great deep tissue work and is straight. I have opened up to him about my SSA healing work needs. It’s great to have a non LDS straight guy in my network for support. He gets the need for touch give his professional credentials and frankly is far more supportive and tolerant than my own LDS brethren.

I was still aroused as I undressed and jumped into the shower. I started thinking about my prostate massage experiences and what I had read on the subject. I continue to be curios about having a non-ejaculation orgasm. My curiosity has landed me into trouble though in the past. I lubricated my index finger and slowly slid it into my anus and started to stimulate myself for a few seconds while massaging my penis with my left hand. I must have totally looked stupid and suddenly a quote from one of Stephen R. Covey’s books entered my mind — “between stimulus and response is the freedom to choose”. I immediatly stopped and started to use my tools to walk away from the preoccupation. Arousal is a very powerful force and I refused for so long to accept that I had any addictive sexual behaviors. I believed that my daily craving for masturbation was normal. Do I believe masturbation is wrong? Well, no but when it becomes a controlling force in your life absolutely. It can steal away intimacy from your wife or partner, distract you from time with the kids and disrupt your work. I have read so many instances of people masturbating at work and engaging in very risky behavior.

WhosHere

J

I download the iPhone application, “WhosHere”.  It is a social media connection application.  Although it is not a pornographic site, I immediately found myself wanting to chat with muscular guys and ended up corresponding with “J” illustrated here. It was a casual conversation about his recent car accident,  but I still slid my left hand down into my pants and squeezed the penis to experience an arousal.

I realize much of this behavior is habitual rituals and starts me into a preoccupation state as part of an addiction cycle. I had to just use my halt tools, delete the application and walk away.  I am finding though that I have reloaded the application off and on over the past week.  I clipped several pics of the guys that I wanted to chat and connect with so that I can start asking myself what is it that draws me to these guys online?  Why don’t I just tap into the real network that I already have?  Why is it not enough?  I know some of these answers when I step back and look at the pattern of why I pick muscular men and my perspective of masculine men.  The emotions are jealousy, perspective of my own body and wanting to be just accepted for who I am.  I am going to spend some time exploring some more about why I feel like I need to keep connecting with new people.  Am I just afraid that sooner or later the people that come into my life will leave and that I feel I need to continue to fill the potential void?  Do I just self sabotage my male relationships?

Killed the Twitter Account

I deleted my twitter account.  Several of the guys that I was linked to and to me were actively prostituting themselves out on the web and the tweets were very triggering to me and not supportive of my recovery work.  I was also sharing very graphic experiences and received feed back that it may be to much detail for someone in recovery.  My response is that I need to be detailed and honest with my feelings.  I did get permission to share a conversation I had with one to the guys who took the time to send me a note.  I greatly appreciate his thoughts and the time he took to share.  I will not share his name.  But thanks P for the counsel.

Slip

Writing about my fantasies brought up a lot of emotional memories.  This combined with all of the emotional challenges of work led to a slip this morning as I woke up to the morning woody and began to massage myself.  I had downloaded briefly an iphone application called “WhosHere” which probably contributed as well.  This application allows you to socially chat and visually see people around you who also have the application for the past three hours.  There were a couple of muscular guys that I wanted to communicate with.  One I commented on his great pecs and received a thanks response back from him.  There was nothing pornographic or any fantasies just a lot of build up sexual energy and emotional vulnerability.

The hard part of course was communicating with my wife within the 24 hour period that I have committed.  I text her the details because she was gone and had a follow up call within the hour.  She tried to be positive and thank me for the communication.  As always, she took it as a personal rejection of me not needing her.  I try not to absorb this but it gets frustrating after awhile.  I try and remind her that I am working on my recovery work and do not need her to shame me.  The behavior that she demonstrates in co-dependency and lack of self confidence in herself.  She needs to address these issues as hers and not mine which she wants to project.  I historically have absorb her emotions as rejection and fear sharing these slips with her because I know how she will react.  However, we both agreed that it is not my place to judge her emotions but to share slips openly and that she will have to deal with them with her support group.  I did remind her that the number of times I have masturbated in the last ten months was what I was doing on a daily basis a year ago.